Change for the Better
Outmaneuver your inner saboteur
Curve balls are part of life, but for some people they’re part of a chronic pattern of self-sabotage. The challenge is sorting natural adversity from self-inflicted chaos. Here’s how to tell the difference. Read on…
(Adapted from an article by Angela Tufvesson featured in Muse)
Curve balls are as inevitable as rainy Saturdays and electricity bills. The car breaks down. The kids get sick. The hot water goes in the middle of winter. But some people seem toe encounter a while lot more ‘left field; experiences than others.
While some people may just be unlucky, a plausible explanation is that those whose happiness always seems to be scuppered are inadvertently sabotaging their own equilibrium.
Coined by Edward E. Jones and Steven Berglas in 1978, self-sabotage – known by psychologists as self-defeating behaviour describes the way we create or claim obstacles to successful performance and when failure would confirm our ability is lacking. Behaviour is self sabotaging g when it creates problems or interferes with goals rather than moving towards them.
The reason self sabotage remains a staple of psychology discourse is that it defies the widely accepted premise that humans are rational decision makers. After all, isn’t that what sets us apart from animals?
According to the author of The Happiness Trap, Dr Russ Harris, self sabotaging behaviours are self perpetuating because they feel good in the short term. While some people tend to be prolific self saboteurs, all of us engage in some self defeating behaviours to some extent.
“Every human being has self defeating pattern of behaviour, repertoires of behaviour that don’t allow us to achieve our goals or be the person we want to be” says Dr Harris.
It’s likely that the factors informing self sabotage differ from person to person but it is unlikely to occur without self doubt according to behaviour change specialist Michelle Landy.
“Women have terrible self doubt and we haven’t learnt to master that inner critic when it appears. It can take over and tell us its useless” she says. Women are also less likely to trust their own conviction and take on others doubts, increasing the likelihood of going off course even if we start out strong in my opinion, men also experience self doubt -often in the context of interpersonal and intimate relationships.
Spotting sabotage
Procrastination is a classic self sabotage tactic. Dr Harris explains “The person who procrastinates and fails to prepare adequately for a sales presentation decreases the likelihood of a successful sales presentation, but it also protects the belief that one has the ability to do well.”
In other words, our doubt about our abilities cause us to create a diversion to explain our lack of success-rather than risking failing without what we perceive as a bona fide reason. Unfortunately, it ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy with the tactic used as insurance against failure inviting that very outcome.
Health and weight goals, financial objectives, relationships can all inherit self defeating behaviours. In the office you procrastinate until that deadline is hours away, at home you sabotage your relationship because you’re afraid to be vulnerable and at the shops you spend more than you can afford-because its on sled. If you do happen to meet the deadline, make up after a fight with your partner or pay off your credit card you look even better having self handicapped than if you hadn’t, since you can assure yourself you had a disadvantage and still succeeded.
The unfortunate aspect of self sabotage is that running from pain ultimately under ones our potential to live a fulfilling life, everything that makes life rich and meaningful brings pain- developing your relationship, building your career, taking care of your body”, says Dr Harris. “There is no way to do these things without pain and discomfort.”
Breaking the Cycle
Once the cycle of self sabotage is in motion it can be hard to interrupt as the behaviours inherit a habitual element in addition to the ‘towards or away from “motivation”. It can be a bit like losing the end of the sticking tape. “We often lose touch with our values which guide you how you want to behave and what you stand for, what really matters to you in the bigger picture. When we lose touch with our values, they don’t really have much of a role to play in our behaviour.” Dr Harris says. The more disorientated and uncertain we feel about our direction, the more susceptible we are to getting sidetracked by instant gratification.” Allot of the time we operate on automatic pilot without consciously paying attention to what we’re doing,” says Dr Harris.
According to him, practicing mindfulness during everyday activities disrupts automaticity, effectively serving as both speed bump and space to consider goals and consciously choose behaviours that align with them. Mindfulness which is the practice of attending to the present without holding onto or judging our feelings or thoughts also takes the power out of difficult emotions that may otherwise feel threatening and trigger self defeating escape tactics.” Mindfulness skills are very important for anyone who is doing a lot of self sabotage,” Dr Harris says. When your emotions are not running high you can appraise your behaviours against your values and long terms goals.
The first step is recognising this behaviour is inconsistent with, rather than giving you, the long term results you seek. “Begin by noticing your behaviour and reflecting on it.
You’ll probably find a thought, a feeling or an event type that serves as a trigger. Once you’ve decoded your behaviour, you can retrain your brain to automatically enact positive patterns that do align with your long term goals.
Are you self defeating?
You abandon projects and tend to not finish things
You talk yourself out of not completing or even starting projects or tasks
You procrastinate – and procrastinate
You have developed bad habits such as poor attendance or tardiness
You set yourself up for failure by becoming overly excited about a project only to feel helpless and overwhelmed by it
You engage in negative self-talk (“I can’t do this”/ It’s too hard”)
You have a pessimistic outlook and victim mentality, believing that no one understands you